[This happens every now and then. Dani gets quiet, withdrawn, sings less, and suddenly he wakes up and can't get up. Nothing's wrong, and yet it's all too much. The world is too heavy, and Dani can't bear to tread in it. He's unworthy, unwanted, and all his happiness and joy has vanished, in favor of despair and depression.
He wraps himself up in his blankets, nests in his pillows, and cries.
He won't be leaving his bed for a couple days, if he can get away with it.]
[ The days leading up to it tell of the inevitable and every time it happens Tris finds himself slipping out into town to get a few provisions before texting Dani a brief: COMING OVER. He doesn't wait for an answer (because he knows that Dani is either already tucked away under his blankets or just too lethargic to actually type out a half-hearted "no." Even after a couple of years, Tristan has found that you learns the ins and outs of someone quickly when you share so much intimately with them.
He doesn't knock (Dani's not exactly going to answer wrapped up in his nest), just slips inside with a paper bag under his arm and a blanket to join the nest pile. ]
Head up, beautiful, [ he calls into the room, shutting it with his heel and slipping over towards the bed with soundless steps. He leaves his sneakers over by the door and sets the bag down just beside the bed.
The blanket is the first offering, warm and dark blue. Gently, he slides a hand underneath what he can only presume is Dani in a shapeless lump-form, searching for something (maybe a braid, maybe a fingertip, just to touch.) ]
[He doesn't check his phone. It's on silent, left ignored on the bedside table. He does, however, hear the door open, and hear Tris coming in and speaking. But he doesn't react.
This happens every time. He doesn't want the company, but a part of him knows he needs it, so this time he doesn't argue. He takes a deep, shuddering breath, and lets it out in a soft sigh, trying not to cry again.
He hates this. He has nothing, absolutely nothing to feel sad about. His life is fine. He has plenty of friends, plenty of people who love him, and the world is beautiful.
So why does he hate himself? Where do these dark thoughts come from?
He doesn't know.
Tris's hand touches Dani's, and Dani almost pulls it away. Instead he lets Tris touch him, then wraps his hand around Tris's.]
[ Tris speaks softly as he feels Dani's fingers gently curl around his own, palm finding palm. ]
Feeling low, huh?
[ It's par for the course. Dani expends so much of his magic and it isn't exactly his fault. The output is off the charts, that much Tris has known (and maybe has envied a bit) since day one. But overtime he has learned that they all have their strengths, and Dani's is war-like and earth-shattering in a terrifying sort of way. There's no way he could carry that all this time and not feel an ounce of that backfire on him emotionally.
Tris presses his knee into the mattress, but doesn't lay down on it just yet, only guides his hand a little so he can get the gist of where Dani is under the blankets and sits on the edge, still holding his palm. ]
Squeeze for yes. Pinch for no. [ Dani's not talking, and trying to get a word out of him will probably be futile until Dani feels good and ready for it. ] Do you want a hug?
[Dani's incredibly grateful for Tris, his understanding, and his patience. Even though he really kind of wants to be alone, what he needs is Tris there, being with him, despite the mess he is.
After a moment, Dani gently squeezes Tris's hand.
He wants a hug.
He actually shifts and sits up, the blanket falling down from his head as he scoots over and leans his head on Tris's shoulder, pressing his face into his shirt.
His hair is tangled, basically a rat's nest, and his eyes are rimmed with red from crying.]
[ Tris looks at Dani's hair, caught up in knots and then catches his eyes up with his own, mouth falling a little into a thin line. He wraps an arm around him, sliding a little further up onto the bed and leaning back to give himself a little support as he wraps Dani up in his arms. It's an easy thing, hugging Dani, effortless in the warmth he wants to offer, doesn't mind giving to him as he lets him fit in all the right places.
His hands are always warm, so he slides them up Dani's arms briefly, the energy there apparent and clearly belonging to his class, lending itself in strength in a way, just enough to console. ]
That's good... [ he murmurs softly, pulling Dani further up into his arms so he can press his cheek to the top of his head before he kisses it briefly, tangles and all. ] I brought Sacgeo homework for you when you're feeling up to it. Thought it might be nice for when you're feeling a little better. I know you're good at that stuff and the patterns we worked on today were beautiful. You might like 'em.
[ He rubs a hand slowly down his back. ] Brought food too, just little stuff, didn't know if you were hungry or anything...
[Dani sighs into the hug, melting into it and wrapping his arms around Tris's waist as he listens to him talk. It feels good. It helps. The magic is enough to keep him grounded, keep him from burying himself in his sadness.
He's quiet for a long moment, then takes a breath.]
[ Tris smiles a little at that, pushes some of Dani's hair back from his forehead and lays a kiss there too gently. ]
The bakery in town owes me a favor after the owner's daughter got married last week so I picked up some chocolate croissants. Picked up some candy at the pharmacy... Got some soup too--tomato.
[ His voice fades a little bit as he wraps Dani up a bit more, keeps him closer and lets his warmth pour a little more heavily into him. It isn't hard, sharing his magic with Dani, it's almost effortless. It's less to cheer him up, more to strengthen him. He can't haul him out of how he's feeling, he can only throw down a rope and urge him on with careful touches. He smoothes away the hair behind his ear and smiles a little. ]
I came prepared, okay? And I can run out if you want something else. [ He squeezes a bit. ]
[Just as easily as Tris offers his magic, Dani absorbs it, feels it filling him up. He closes his eyes and leans his face into Tris's shoulder, breathing him in.]
Thank you.
[You shouldn't have, is what he doesn't say. I don't deserve it, is also what he doesn't say, though the thoughts are very clear in his mind. He doesn't deserve this love. He's not worthy of it. He's not worthy of anything.]
[ by now, he's come to notice the signs. wolfgang tends to watch everyone around him more than he ever speaks to them, takes in little details, watches for causes and effects. there's not always anything that starts it, for dani. sometimes, it's just him, worn, as anyone gets. wolfgang definitely has his moods. hell, it could be argued that his day to day personality is a mood in itself.
but it's understandable. sometimes, everything is just shit, and seeing any light in it is an impossibility, even for people as heaven touched as dani. years ago, he might have tried to stop the decline, tried to drag dani out, or chatter with him, or any other of a million things he knows he likes. before he realized that he just needs a break. or, break down, maybe. it's probably healthy, in a way. who knows. it is what it is.
now, he waits, watches him grow quiet, hard as it is, and leaves him when he's told he wants to be alone, until he doesn't see dani come out of his room one morning. he knows tris watches for it too, is well accustom to dani's low points. the two are so close, and share so much, it's sweet to watch, and he generally always sees evidence of tris having been by, leaving things for dani. wolfgang makes his way in, not bothering to announce himself at all, he's sure dani can hear him. his jacket is shrugged off, followed by shoes, and he's dragging his phone from his pocket, pressing a few different keys before finding a playlist of ambiant, chill music he tends to put on when he wants to just zone out. a lot of it music he pilfered from dani, honestly. the volume is set low, and he dims the lights in the room to not be so harsh, before padding over to the lump of pillows and blankets and magic boy on the bed.
he's not a person with any kind of talent for motivational speaking, or any kind of excess speaking, and even if he were, he doubts that's what dani needs at the moment. he doesn't have holy light or know anything about healing (demonic class, come on), but he can do this, at least. lightly, he climbs up onto the mattress, starts shifting the pillows around like he lives here or something, and makes a space for himself to settle into, before he slips in, wraps arms around the dani-shaped blanket cocoon, and tugs where he's guessing the upper half of his body is into his lap, legs relaxed on either side of dani's torso. a hand sneaks under the comforter, finds dani's back, and begins to rub soothing, repetitive circles over his back, or up and down his spine, pausing to massage at too tensed muscles here or there, as he begins to quietly hum. there's a book he brought with somewhere, maybe he'll read to him later. as long as dani isn't alone. ]
[Tris has already come and gone, so when the next visitor arrives, Dani listens and judges by their footsteps and the way they move, decides it's probably Wolfgang. This is confirmed by the gentle way he rearranges the pillows and cuddles Dani softly.
Dani sighs, shifts, and pokes his head and hand out of the blankets. He puts his hand on Wolfgang's chest and gently pushes him, guiding him to lie down on the bed so that Dani can snuggle right up next to him, putting his head on Wolfgang's chest.]
[ a messy head of platinum hair pokes out from under the blankets, and wolfgang tilts his head to smile down at him. ] Hey you.
[ moving as he's guided, his back is pressed down on the mattress, hands moving to help dani squirm up onto his chest, before he runs fingers carefully through his hair, brushing it back away from dani's face, and pressing his lips softly against his forehead. better now than he's been in past days. tristan must have taken care of him earlier. good. ]
[He mumbles it softly, pulls the blankets around himself better as he settles against Wolfgang until he's perfectly comfortable. He sighs deeply and falls still, slender fingers gently catching and releasing Wolfgang's shirt over and over.]
[ the blanket blob speaks. just the greeting alone has wolfgang feeling bright and relieved. it's much better than dani shoving him away, which wouldn't have been unexpected. wouldn't have made him leave, but wouldn't have been unexpected either. ]
Mind if I nap with you? [ like he didn't just assert himself into dani's bed just now or anything. fingertips touch lightly at the back of dani's hand on his shirt, tracing slim fingers, down the back of his palm and wrist. it's okay, he's not going anywhere. the other cards at dani's hair, gently picking out tangles, and moving to massage at the base of his head and neck. ]
[Dani shrugs, a weird lopsided motion thanks to his position, and a little hidden by the blankets covering him. He seems to realize it and sighs.]
Guess not.
[He's already here, and comfortable, it'd be silly to kick him out now. He's done it before, and it always made him feel even worse after, to have treated his dear friend like that, when all he wanted to do was help.]
lalala gently retcons some shit from earlier in the thread la
[ it's not the first time they've done this - hell, it was a large part of why they'd ended up close at all. dani had been bright and friendly and kind to him, yes, but if he hadn't found him a couple weeks after meeting him, curled up in a corner in the library, and several days half nursing, half mothering him, max doubts they'd have become as close as they are.
it's also why max doesn't typically ask before slipping himself into dani's depression nest on days like these. he'd sort of, accidentally, made it his job to shuffle dani around when dani didn't feel like it anymore. not into moving from him bed, but into getting himself more comfortable, at least. when dani's feel well enough to respond to max's mothering, it's just a small joy in hoping he's making it out of his slump. a small hum rumbles his chest, and for a while, max is quiet, just carding fingers through dani's hair, and pressing the occasional soft kiss to his forehead. eventually, he speaks again, not actually feeling sleepy at all and feeling dani still awake against him. ]
How's your head?
[ could mean for headaches or for his mental state. max doesn't mind hearing either, and won't push for the more personal one if dani doesn't feel like sharing. ]
[Dani's not entirely sure what he'd do if he didn't have his friends to take care of him during these times. Fail school, probably. Maybe starve. Sometimes he wonders if maybe that's the better option, but then he hears Max breathing, feels his warmth, snuggles in close to it, and decides maybe living is okay after all.]
Not great.
[He says it softly, almost a murmur. The world is too bright, too beautiful, and he has no place in it. Worthless, useless. He doesn't know what Max sees in him.]
[ max makes a quiet 'mh' sound, acknowledging he heard and he understands, dropping another kiss to the top of his head. it's okay. max wishes he felt better, but time with dani is still time with dani. he's happy to be here regardless. ]
I brought a book. Harry Potter.
[ there's a small, upwards quirk of one corner of his lips. the series always seemed very amusing to him, in a cute kind fo way. he wishes they had shit like quidditch here, that'd be neat. dani would be hufflepuff (or gryffindor) and max would be slytherin and what a scandal they would make, huh? ]
[He shifts his head on Max's chest and nods a little.]
Yes, please.
[Dani gets a little more comfortable and then settles, falling still. He likes hearing Max talk, and it'll be even better to hear him talk about something that isn't... isn't real. Something appropriately distracting. Harry Potter is perfect.]
[ smiling, max drops another short kiss to the top of dani's head, hand lifting to pet over the strands of platinum blond, before he shifts some, reaching out to pluck the book from the nightstand. ]
Okay. Let's skip the shit uncle and aunt. Never liked them much.
[ instead, he starts at harry, ron and hermoine arriving at hogwarts. he'd always liked the quirky school, found the fanciful description charming, even if it was nothing like an actual magic school, like BCR. but it's cute. for a while, he reads, voice quiet between them, soft and soothing, though he does do the voices for each character, as promised. eventually, after some time, he pauses, losing the narrator voice and speaking normally: ]
If BCR was Hogwarts, what house do you think we'd be? Pretty sure you're Hufflepuff.
[Dani closes his eyes when Max reads, though he's not going to sleep. He just wants to get lost in Max's voice, until it's the only thing left in the world. Even when Max asks his question he doesn't open his eyes, he just shifts on Max's leg and settles again, barely stirring his blankets.]
You're Gryffindor. Or a Hufflepuff. Can't decide which.
Really? [ he chuckles, quiet laugh rumbling in his chest. those aren't the ones he'd have said for himself, but it's interesting dani did. ] I seem that nice to you?
[ for the first year or so max was at BCR, he was pretty standoffish, generally not terribly pleasant to be around. but he supposes he's always been much softer with dani. dani's just... special. since they first met, dani's been special. ]
[He sighs deeply, extracts a hand from his blankets to trace Max's leg idly.]
You're loyal to your friends. You'd do anything for them. You believe in fairness. That's all Hufflepuff. But you're also brave and stubborn to the point of stupidity. That's Gryffindor.
[He tilts his head to look up at Max.]
You think you're a Slytherin because you're a Demonic, but it's not true. You're not that ambitious. You're not clever in that way. Just because you hang out with demons doesn't make you a Slytherin.
[It's the most he's said in hours, maybe days, but he can do it because he's concentrating on Max, not himself. It still exhausts him, though.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bad days
He wraps himself up in his blankets, nests in his pillows, and cries.
He won't be leaving his bed for a couple days, if he can get away with it.]
BUMPS INTO THIS
He doesn't knock (Dani's not exactly going to answer wrapped up in his nest), just slips inside with a paper bag under his arm and a blanket to join the nest pile. ]
Head up, beautiful, [ he calls into the room, shutting it with his heel and slipping over towards the bed with soundless steps. He leaves his sneakers over by the door and sets the bag down just beside the bed.
The blanket is the first offering, warm and dark blue. Gently, he slides a hand underneath what he can only presume is Dani in a shapeless lump-form, searching for something (maybe a braid, maybe a fingertip, just to touch.) ]
yes good
This happens every time. He doesn't want the company, but a part of him knows he needs it, so this time he doesn't argue. He takes a deep, shuddering breath, and lets it out in a soft sigh, trying not to cry again.
He hates this. He has nothing, absolutely nothing to feel sad about. His life is fine. He has plenty of friends, plenty of people who love him, and the world is beautiful.
So why does he hate himself? Where do these dark thoughts come from?
He doesn't know.
Tris's hand touches Dani's, and Dani almost pulls it away. Instead he lets Tris touch him, then wraps his hand around Tris's.]
no subject
[ Tris speaks softly as he feels Dani's fingers gently curl around his own, palm finding palm. ]
Feeling low, huh?
[ It's par for the course. Dani expends so much of his magic and it isn't exactly his fault. The output is off the charts, that much Tris has known (and maybe has envied a bit) since day one. But overtime he has learned that they all have their strengths, and Dani's is war-like and earth-shattering in a terrifying sort of way. There's no way he could carry that all this time and not feel an ounce of that backfire on him emotionally.
Tris presses his knee into the mattress, but doesn't lay down on it just yet, only guides his hand a little so he can get the gist of where Dani is under the blankets and sits on the edge, still holding his palm. ]
Squeeze for yes. Pinch for no. [ Dani's not talking, and trying to get a word out of him will probably be futile until Dani feels good and ready for it. ] Do you want a hug?
no subject
After a moment, Dani gently squeezes Tris's hand.
He wants a hug.
He actually shifts and sits up, the blanket falling down from his head as he scoots over and leans his head on Tris's shoulder, pressing his face into his shirt.
His hair is tangled, basically a rat's nest, and his eyes are rimmed with red from crying.]
no subject
His hands are always warm, so he slides them up Dani's arms briefly, the energy there apparent and clearly belonging to his class, lending itself in strength in a way, just enough to console. ]
That's good... [ he murmurs softly, pulling Dani further up into his arms so he can press his cheek to the top of his head before he kisses it briefly, tangles and all. ] I brought Sacgeo homework for you when you're feeling up to it. Thought it might be nice for when you're feeling a little better. I know you're good at that stuff and the patterns we worked on today were beautiful. You might like 'em.
[ He rubs a hand slowly down his back. ] Brought food too, just little stuff, didn't know if you were hungry or anything...
no subject
He's quiet for a long moment, then takes a breath.]
What food?
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The bakery in town owes me a favor after the owner's daughter got married last week so I picked up some chocolate croissants. Picked up some candy at the pharmacy... Got some soup too--tomato.
[ His voice fades a little bit as he wraps Dani up a bit more, keeps him closer and lets his warmth pour a little more heavily into him. It isn't hard, sharing his magic with Dani, it's almost effortless. It's less to cheer him up, more to strengthen him. He can't haul him out of how he's feeling, he can only throw down a rope and urge him on with careful touches. He smoothes away the hair behind his ear and smiles a little. ]
I came prepared, okay? And I can run out if you want something else. [ He squeezes a bit. ]
no subject
Thank you.
[You shouldn't have, is what he doesn't say. I don't deserve it, is also what he doesn't say, though the thoughts are very clear in his mind. He doesn't deserve this love. He's not worthy of it. He's not worthy of anything.]
8< also fdklsfa this got so long i'm sorry
but it's understandable. sometimes, everything is just shit, and seeing any light in it is an impossibility, even for people as heaven touched as dani. years ago, he might have tried to stop the decline, tried to drag dani out, or chatter with him, or any other of a million things he knows he likes. before he realized that he just needs a break. or, break down, maybe. it's probably healthy, in a way. who knows. it is what it is.
now, he waits, watches him grow quiet, hard as it is, and leaves him when he's told he wants to be alone, until he doesn't see dani come out of his room one morning. he knows tris watches for it too, is well accustom to dani's low points. the two are so close, and share so much, it's sweet to watch, and he generally always sees evidence of tris having been by, leaving things for dani. wolfgang makes his way in, not bothering to announce himself at all, he's sure dani can hear him. his jacket is shrugged off, followed by shoes, and he's dragging his phone from his pocket, pressing a few different keys before finding a playlist of ambiant, chill music he tends to put on when he wants to just zone out. a lot of it music he pilfered from dani, honestly. the volume is set low, and he dims the lights in the room to not be so harsh, before padding over to the lump of pillows and blankets and magic boy on the bed.
he's not a person with any kind of talent for motivational speaking, or any kind of excess speaking, and even if he were, he doubts that's what dani needs at the moment. he doesn't have holy light or know anything about healing (demonic class, come on), but he can do this, at least. lightly, he climbs up onto the mattress, starts shifting the pillows around like he lives here or something, and makes a space for himself to settle into, before he slips in, wraps arms around the dani-shaped blanket cocoon, and tugs where he's guessing the upper half of his body is into his lap, legs relaxed on either side of dani's torso. a hand sneaks under the comforter, finds dani's back, and begins to rub soothing, repetitive circles over his back, or up and down his spine, pausing to massage at too tensed muscles here or there, as he begins to quietly hum. there's a book he brought with somewhere, maybe he'll read to him later. as long as dani isn't alone. ]
it's perfect shush
Dani sighs, shifts, and pokes his head and hand out of the blankets. He puts his hand on Wolfgang's chest and gently pushes him, guiding him to lie down on the bed so that Dani can snuggle right up next to him, putting his head on Wolfgang's chest.]
;3;
[ moving as he's guided, his back is pressed down on the mattress, hands moving to help dani squirm up onto his chest, before he runs fingers carefully through his hair, brushing it back away from dani's face, and pressing his lips softly against his forehead. better now than he's been in past days. tristan must have taken care of him earlier. good. ]
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[He mumbles it softly, pulls the blankets around himself better as he settles against Wolfgang until he's perfectly comfortable. He sighs deeply and falls still, slender fingers gently catching and releasing Wolfgang's shirt over and over.]
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Mind if I nap with you? [ like he didn't just assert himself into dani's bed just now or anything. fingertips touch lightly at the back of dani's hand on his shirt, tracing slim fingers, down the back of his palm and wrist. it's okay, he's not going anywhere. the other cards at dani's hair, gently picking out tangles, and moving to massage at the base of his head and neck. ]
no subject
Guess not.
[He's already here, and comfortable, it'd be silly to kick him out now. He's done it before, and it always made him feel even worse after, to have treated his dear friend like that, when all he wanted to do was help.]
lalala gently retcons some shit from earlier in the thread la
it's also why max doesn't typically ask before slipping himself into dani's depression nest on days like these. he'd sort of, accidentally, made it his job to shuffle dani around when dani didn't feel like it anymore. not into moving from him bed, but into getting himself more comfortable, at least. when dani's feel well enough to respond to max's mothering, it's just a small joy in hoping he's making it out of his slump. a small hum rumbles his chest, and for a while, max is quiet, just carding fingers through dani's hair, and pressing the occasional soft kiss to his forehead. eventually, he speaks again, not actually feeling sleepy at all and feeling dani still awake against him. ]
How's your head?
[ could mean for headaches or for his mental state. max doesn't mind hearing either, and won't push for the more personal one if dani doesn't feel like sharing. ]
no subject
Not great.
[He says it softly, almost a murmur. The world is too bright, too beautiful, and he has no place in it. Worthless, useless. He doesn't know what Max sees in him.]
no subject
I brought a book. Harry Potter.
[ there's a small, upwards quirk of one corner of his lips. the series always seemed very amusing to him, in a cute kind fo way. he wishes they had shit like quidditch here, that'd be neat. dani would be hufflepuff (or gryffindor) and max would be slytherin and what a scandal they would make, huh? ]
Want me to read to you? I'll do the voices.
no subject
Yes, please.
[Dani gets a little more comfortable and then settles, falling still. He likes hearing Max talk, and it'll be even better to hear him talk about something that isn't... isn't real. Something appropriately distracting. Harry Potter is perfect.]
no subject
Okay. Let's skip the shit uncle and aunt. Never liked them much.
[ instead, he starts at harry, ron and hermoine arriving at hogwarts. he'd always liked the quirky school, found the fanciful description charming, even if it was nothing like an actual magic school, like BCR. but it's cute. for a while, he reads, voice quiet between them, soft and soothing, though he does do the voices for each character, as promised. eventually, after some time, he pauses, losing the narrator voice and speaking normally: ]
If BCR was Hogwarts, what house do you think we'd be? Pretty sure you're Hufflepuff.
no subject
You're Gryffindor. Or a Hufflepuff. Can't decide which.
no subject
[ for the first year or so max was at BCR, he was pretty standoffish, generally not terribly pleasant to be around. but he supposes he's always been much softer with dani. dani's just... special. since they first met, dani's been special. ]
no subject
[He sighs deeply, extracts a hand from his blankets to trace Max's leg idly.]
You're loyal to your friends. You'd do anything for them. You believe in fairness. That's all Hufflepuff. But you're also brave and stubborn to the point of stupidity. That's Gryffindor.
[He tilts his head to look up at Max.]
You think you're a Slytherin because you're a Demonic, but it's not true. You're not that ambitious. You're not clever in that way. Just because you hang out with demons doesn't make you a Slytherin.
[It's the most he's said in hours, maybe days, but he can do it because he's concentrating on Max, not himself. It still exhausts him, though.]